Ninja Communism
by KillerMay
Summary: Because Shino really needs to get some Neutrogena. How does it take this long to get to Walmart? CRACK, no pairings


**Ninja Communism.**  
_because it's time._

...

Average days and average mornings always begin with an average cup of coffee for Shino Aburame. That's just the type of guy he was with his shades and his afro. Nice and average.

And he didn't want it any other way.

However, it was with his daily cup of coffee that he realized this day was _not_ going to be an average day.

Phil the Bug was coming out for a regular check-up, after all he was the medical fly.

Phil lived in the inner-workings of Shino's ear, with his two wives and nine kids. All of which he loved very much. Everyone in the bug community respected Phil, after all he was one of the few bugs that got to go out when they weren't eating chakra.

This morning he was in a panic as he flew out of dear Shino's ear.

"What is it Phil?" Shino asked, taking a sip of his joe. It wasn't often that Phil was in such a rush. He was normally a pretty chillaxed guy-fly-thing.

"Your pores," Phil exclaimed. "They aren't opened! Some of the younger bugs were preparing to train and they couldn't get out!"

Shino's eyes widened from behind his shades as he looked at the bottle of clean-n-clear. He slammed a fist on the table in rage.

It was about this time that Kiba and Hinata would enter the Aburame clan's home. As they averagely did, they showed up and knocked on the door, expecting to see the friendly, slightly intimidating face of their pal. Today, as we've already stated, was not the average case.

Shino opened the door with his hair in a mess, scratches on his face, and his glasses slightly hinging on his nose so that his eyes were clearly visible. Today his eyes were especially frightening, for they held the most terrible thing an eye can posses - panic.

Kiba, taking notice of this, got a large grin. Hinata tapped her fingers together nervously.

"So," Kiba muttered, "You've been pretty busy with that girlfriend of yours, haven't you?"

Hinata was a little thrown off by this, for she'd never known Shino to be that kind of guy. Before Shino could reply, Kiba answered himself.

Flinging his arm over Shino's shoulder, Kiba howled. "You lucky dog! We really did come at a bad time today, Hinata! Want us to come back so you can continue getting your hentai on?"

Shino, taking on a less frightened appearance (more annoyed, actually), pushed up his glasses.

"Your immaturity does not amuse me," Shino groaned, removing Kiba's arm. "I'm having some troubles, and I would rather not have to deal with you too."

"So do you want us to leave?" asked Hinata quietly, shuffling her foot. Even Shino could not resist Hinata's adorableness.

"No, you do not have to," he sighed, "But I'm not exactly doing any ninja-ish fun today. I'm going to Wal Mart. If you really want to come to Wal Mart with me, which I can assure you will be VERY BORING, then you may."

"AH! SWEET MAN! AKAMARU WAS JUST RUNNING OUT OF PURINA PUPPY CHOW!"

Shino would have given anything to unleash a horde of fleas onto Kiba right then. But he had much worse matters to attend to. Skin care, he thought, is a ninja's most important feature. Just look at Sasuke, his skin is absolutely perfect. And Gai Sensei - if you didn't want to look like him, you might as well go live on the streets. As a hooker.

Thus the three decided to go to Wal Mart together. Like all good teams do. Because all good teams love and respect each other. Yes.

Now, the Wal Mart was right near the Aburame residence, so they didn't bother rushing. They came to their first stop light, when suddenly...

.

.

A herd of beavers began rampaging through the streets. People were in panic. Wagons were crashing everywhere, until finally it was a fiery mess of death and beavers. Now, any other ninja team probably would have stopped to help.

Then again, Kurenai was pregnant, so they lost all morals when she yelled about Asuma being a baby daddy. Then they cried. And their mind's virginity was slowly taken by a fat tattooed man named Rick.

So, they instead decided to just take the long way, through the forest.

On their way to said forest, they encountered an old beggar woman who wanted some change. Hinata, being the good (and rich)-spirited person she was, did not allow the boys to walk away ignoring the woman's request.

She dug through the multiple pockets on her ridiculous coat that no one should wear in summer, and - even though she was a rich Hyuuga who had a lot of pockets - she was unable to find any change.

It would be rude to walk away without giving... So the men searched as well.

Shino found that the little money he had (that was extra besides what he was using to buy his face products with), had been eaten by the newborn termites that came out of his legs.

Kiba, on the other hand, _had_ money, but he was an Inuzuka and dogs were _man's_ best friend, not woman's, so he wasn't about to go and say anything about it.

"Did you find anything?" Hinata asked, quietly. Shino shook his head.

"Nah," Kiba said, waving it off. "I'm sure somebody has dropped some loose change around here before, though."

"Oh," the woman said, with a slight southern accent. "You don't have to go and look for some change for lil' ol' me in that big, dark forest! I'll be fine!"

"Well," Kiba said, ready to give up. "I guess that's that." He began to walk away, Shino following.

"NO!" yelled Hinata, finding her voice and stopping the others in their tracks. "Um...we're ninjas of Konoha. We can't just leave somebody when they're in trouble."

You would not normally expect these teens to say they were coming back and then just totally abandon the old lady so she would starve and get eaten by wolves. You really wouldn't expect it. That would be wrong, and just mean. But, they did not do this. They went into the forest, as they promised, and went to get the change that would hopefully have been dropped onto the ground. And find money, they did.

_**What shall become of this team of brave, heroic teens?**_

_**The question will be answered.**_

_**.**_

_**.**_

_**Right now.**_

"Damn it, why the hell did you have to go and drop your fucking wallet? I'm tired of back-tracking with you."

"Well, I can't exactly help it. The pockets on these things suck."

"You probably shouldn't have bought your Akatsuki cloak on FUCKING EBAY."

Two men walked through the forest, in search of the wallet that had to be found. Why did it have to be dropped in Konoha? This made everything much more dangerous than it should have been - had anyone seen them, they'd have to risk going into fight, and then everyone would think the Akatsuki, league of super evil ninja deeds and destruction, were up to something. Which, at the moment, they were not.

"Why the hell did you take me, anyways? You could've taken ANYONE ELSE. BUT NO. YOU REFUSE TO-"

"Shh," says one incredibly sexy man to the other, "Someone is here."

And with that introduction, in marched Shino, Kiba, and Hinata, searching for change.

"Find anything yet?" asked Kiba, getting a little tired of this and wondering if he could have just spared a dime or something, so the woman could at least get some ninja gum.

"No," sighed Shino, who grew more and more annoyed. His face, without the help of Neutrogena, would soon be coated in acne from where the bugs tried to get out and stung the insides of his face (the more you know). Stupid Johnson products.

"Wait," Hinata whispered, "I think I see something over there."

Kiba marched into the bushes of which Hinata was pointing at and howled with sheer delight. The hunter had found his prey. The wolf had found his antelope.

"HEY!" he yelled, glee forming on his tattooed face, "THIS IS A WALLET! :D"

"Yes," spoke the man in the cheaply made, Chinese EBAY suit, "That IS a wallet."

Taking a step back, Kiba tripped over a log. (Because in Naruto, logs are everywhere. They should really hire a gardener.) (A gardener that isn't Naruto, because he'll kill your Petunias.)

Hinata yelped in sync with Akamaru, but it helped nothing. Jumping down from the tree came the other member.

"Shit," he said to the other, "Looks like some leaf-village punks have seen us. Well, you know what we have to do."

The first man (by the way, this is Kakuzu. I'm getting very tired of saying "this man" and "that man". It hurts my brain) quickly knocked Kiba out, and Hinata passed out from fright. Shino tried to fight, but the bugs wouldn't come out. There were only two options in these cases – give in, or use THAT HOLE.

There is one sort of "emergency hole" every man in the Aburame family contains in case the bugs cannot escape other openings. However, using this hole takes time, effort, and an incredibly sexy picture of Kim Kardashian – none of which he had. So, he gave in, and Kakuzu knocked him out as well.

.

.

Opening his eyes, Shino could make out a few figures. There was his team, all of which were put into a corner. Then, there was one man in a cloak with blonde hair sitting in front of some strange light-box. There were also several other people in cloaks standing around having casual conversations. He took off his glasses to rub his eyes.

"Hey," whispered Kiba, "Where are we?"

"Woof," barked Akamaru. (Why we must include that it was indeed Akamaru that barked, I know not. Because he is honestly the only dog there, and no one else would just randomly bark like that. Kiba could have, but that was the last paragraph, and it wouldn't make sense to follow up one person's conversation with his own speech. In English, it is common to follow up someone's words with another's words or a description of something – either another person, or an object. Regardless, Akamaru is the one who barked, because that makes the most sense. To be humorous, we _could _say that Hinata barked or something, but that would not make much sense. In fact, that would make about as much sense as a fanfiction about a bunch of sexy high school men getting their drinks spiked and hiding from laughing mushrooms. That's just stupid, and whoever writes about that is doomed to a shameful, terrible death. Or one about the Akatsuki being out of character. WORST OF ALL – a story about a talking cow who enjoys eating steak. If I ever read anything involving a talking cow, I will murder the owner of Maybelline.)

"That's right," whispered Kiba, "We were kidnapped. How could I forget?"

"Are we gonna get raped?" asked a frightened, Japanese Hinata that you beat off to while crying inside because you know that your wife will never look like her.

"No," Shino said, "I won't allow it. Unless they expect to take us to Wal Mart."

Hinata sighed in relief, when suddenly, there was chaos between the cloaked men (and one woman).

"I DID IT!" yelled the blonde who sat in front of the light-box, "I'VE CREATED THE INTERNET!"

"HOW DID YOU DO IT?" yelled another, who wore a rather ridiculous mask that reminded Shino of a basketball one would expect to see when tripping on acid.

All the men soon gathered around the light box as if it were a stripper on display at the local "Angelina's Gentleman's Club". The woman stayed away, also as if it were a stripper. Women tend to get very jealous of strippers, you see – seeing your man being torn away from you like that leaves a wound in the heart like no other.

"I looked for what people wanted, and I made it."

"Wow, you actually did something kind of impressive for once, little shit," laughed the one who had kidnapped Shino's team with Kakuzu. "I might be proud of you."

"Yes, be proud," cackled the blonde. One boy, with amazingly long eyelashes and also amazingly long hair, which was put into an amazing ponytail that read the word (if you looked closely enough) "Amazing", stood up.

"It will probably be used for some type of pornography, you realize? How we use "Hentai scrolls" now, there will be some sick website by the name of "MetaHentai" that all of the scene girls will flock to."

"No, Itachi," grinned the boy, "It won't, because…I am going to blow it up."

Whatever this "internet" was, it must have been rather important, because the men all glomped around the light-box and yelled furiously.

The man in the basketball mask was the only one they could understand because he repeated the phrase "PORNO SITES! PORNO SITES!" over and over. He was also very loud.

"IS TOBI A GOOD BOY, ZETSU?" Basketball mask asked.

"Yes," replied a mixed race venus fly trap. "Tobi is a good boy."

Shino saw this as an opportunity. An opportunity to rape Akamaru, but more importantly – an opportunity to escape.

Now… was the time to use THE EMERGENCY HOLE. The room soon smelled very putrid and the boy with the amazing hair regrettably turned around. Poor guy.

"DUDE, ARE YOU JACKING OFF?" Soon, the rest of the cloaked men/one woman turned around to look.

"He is jacking off!" yelled a blue shark-man-thing.

"Woah!" yelled the blond.

"CAN TOBI DO THAT?" asked Basketball Mask.

"That's just disgusting," said a man with multiple piercings and sexy-licious red hair. "Come on, let's get out of here – a man deserves some privacy."

They all left and soon Kiba turned to Shino, "So," he began, "You _were_ busy with your girlfriend."

Soon, rather than making some form of perverted comment, Kiba was gagging. One, because Shino might have been bigger than him, and two – because there were now termites coming out when really something completely different should have been.

"Wait…" Kiba said, still sounding slightly mortified. "How did you happen… if that happens… with your dad… AGHGHSADFH." He then turned to Hinata quickly. "_Never_," he stressed. "Make love to that man."

"Woof," barked Hinata. And then Kiba passed out.

Despite this, the termites still gnawed at the bars to the cage thing they were trapped in and soon they were set free. Hoisting Kiba up on her shoulder, Hinata valiantly carried the Inuzuka out while Akamaru followed behind her.

Shino stood up as if nothing odd had happened in the last few minutes (because really, he's a man and that's all it takes) and followed her out.

Later, the Akatsuki would come back, figuring he was done and wonder what had happened. Konan would venture a guess. She would be right. And everyone would vomit simultaneously.

Soon, Team 8 found themselves in the middle of Konoha. The rich part of Konoha, where all the rich little ninja children would spend their time at the ninja malls. Konoha Mall was rather nice, and in passing it, Kiba suddenly remembered something.

"Dude," he yelled, "I need to go into Hot Topic before their sale ends."

So, since it was on the way, the three stopped at Hot Topic.

It was now around 4:00 PM.

Kiba and Shino were quite busy looking for something that Kiba could spend his money on. (Because suddenly, Kiba decided to let them know he had money all along. However, the old lady was not still in the forest, so they gave up and continued to head over to Wal Mart.)

Hinata, who was pretty tired after going through such a long day, didn't notice the crowd of scene kids staring her down in the corner and whispering some scary words to each other. One of them walked up to her, hands in the pockets of his purple skinny jeans. Hinata, being shy as she was, did not look him in the face as he began to talk.

"Hey," he said, slight pout on his face, "I'm Fresco. I haven't seen you around, you new to Konoha?"

Hinata, barely looking up at him, jumped a little and looked back down, and began to nervously shuffle.

"No, I'm not. I just don't come here all that often…"

Fresco smiled and grabbed her hand. He dragged her over to the group of scene kids and said, "Guys, what do you think?"

His friends all replied, "Yeah, she could learn a thing or two. She'd be a really pretty scene."

Haha. Get it? It's a pun.

.

So about this time, Shino and Kiba were leaving the Hot Topic, Kiba with his new "Adventure Time" tee shirt.

"I love Adventure Time!" exclaimed Kiba.

"WOOF!" barked Akamaru, with a little sass put into his bark.

"Is something wrong, Akamaru my man?"

Akamaru proceeded to whimper. It would be a while before the boys realized they were missing their most important teammate.

.

Fresco grabbed onto Hinata's dainty hands and led her to the nearest hair salon. There, they proceeded with placing many colorful extensions into her fabulous hair. They took her to a makeover stand next.

"Hey, Alfonso," yelled Fresco, high fiving the man running the makeover stand.

"Hey, Fresco," yelled Alfonso, grabbing tight hold of Fresco's hand. "What's up? You look Fabulous!"

"Well, you see this girl here?"

Alfonso proceeded to look at Hinata with deep, slightly sexual interest.

"Yes, I do," he whispered, "She's a beauty. But, she's missing something."

"And what's that?"

Alfonso winked and pointed straight into Hinata's face.

"Makeup."

.

"OH DEAR GOD," yelled Shino, suddenly remembering something. A part of him was gone, and he couldn't believe it had taken him this long to realize it.

"WHAT IS IT, SHINO?" yelled Akamaru, who suddenly gained the ability to speak. (It is not abnormal for a dog to speak English in Naruto, you see. It's rather odd, as they live in Japan, but most people DO speak English. Akamaru had known English for some time, but had been waiting to show off this ability.)

Shino, acting as if the dog had not just done something extraordinary, dropped his head. "I feel like we left someone in Hot Topic…"

"OH NO, YOU'RE RIGHT!" yelled Kiba, suddenly remembering what it was that Shino had forgotten.

"WE FORGOT OUR WALLETS!"

The two quickly ran back to the mall, praying that the wallets had not been stolen.

It was when they reached the Hot Topic and retrieved their wallets that they saw something slightly disturbing. In the corner of the store was a group of scene kids – the same one they had seen earlier. However it was in this scene of scene kids that a new member of the group was seen – she had dark hair with several extensions, dark eye makeup, and her bangs in her eyes. The scene they had seen was Hinata.

And boy, she was one frightening scene.

"HINATA?" roared Kiba, "IS THAT YOU?"

"Yes, but you can call me Bella."

"Hinata," uttered Shino, taking one very dramatic and overdone step back, "Listen. You need to come back to us. We are going to Wal Mart, and we can't lose you."

"Listen guys," Hinata sighed, "I'm one of them now. I'm a scene kid."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?"

"My family doesn't care about me. No one does. The only person in this world that cares about me is Fresco."

Fresco responded with a nod.

"Hinata, they don't care about you," yelled Kiba, "They're only using you for your looks!"

"YOU DON'T CARE EITHER!" snapped Hinata, once again finding her hidden voice. "YOU LEFT ME IN HOT TOPIC."

"AT LEAST IT WASN'T SPENCER'S!"

There was a dramatic pause, and then utter silence.

"Come on, Hinata," droned Fresco, "Let's go…"

"No," she said, taking out one of her extensions, tears welling up in her overly done eyes. "I think they have a point."

You see, this is the true meaning of friendship. A true friend would never leave you alone in Spencer's. Maybe Hot Topic, but not Spencer's. This provided meant that Kiba and Shino _were_ true friends – and they would never abandon their darling teammate.

Stepping forward, Hinata smiled.

"So," she sighed, "I'm going back with them."

"…whatever," groaned Fresco. "Your loss. Let's go, guys."

And thus, they departed. Hinata, Kiba, and Shino all left the mall and proceeded to cross the street. Halfway down the street, horror crossed Kiba's eyes.

"What is it, Kiba?" asked Hinata.

"There…in the bushes…it's a…"

Suddenly leaping from the bushes was a giant beaver.

"AHH!" yelled Hinata, hiding behind Shino. Shino, taking on a brave face, prepared to fight. However, as the bugs were screwed up inside of him, he could not fight. He would use THE EMERGENCY HOLE again, but he was in public – and that was not right.

"I can't…fight…" moaned Shino.

"Try!" yelled Hinata, "It's approaching!"

Shino tried with all his might, but the bugs would not come out. The beaver was approaching, making strange clicking noises. Kiba picked Shino up over his shoulder.

"RUN!" yelled Kiba, as they retreated into the forest.

.

In the forest, they found safety. However, they were lost –_ and nowhere near a Wal Mart._

.

"How the hell did we get stuck in the forest AGAIN?" Kiba asked, annoyed. Akamaru barked his agreement.

"Do you not remember?" Hinata asked, quietly. "There was this beaver and… yeah."

"I don't remember half of the things that happened today," Kiba replied.

"Well," Shino began, about to explain. When he continued talking, he was talking awkwardly fast. "It all started when I woke up and Phil the Bug came out and told me my pores were clogged. I then realized that Clean-n-Clear had disappointed me once again. So, I decided to go to Wal Mart for some Neutrogena like Selena Gomez said I should. She has very nice skin and I wish I looked like her. Anyways, then you two showed up and we all decided to go to Wal Mart together. We began to walk toward the Wal Mart only to see mutant beaver things causing havoc among the locals. We realized – " Here, he gasped for breath. " – that we had to go the long way, through the forest. So that we did. Along our way to the forest, we met an old beggar woman. We had no money – well, Kiba did, not that he told us – so we decided to look in the forest for money, via request by Hinata. We then ran into two members of the Akatsuki. They kidnapped us and then we escaped through some awkward circumstances. We then went to Hot Topic because Kiba wanted to buy an Adventure Time shirt. There, Hinata got kidnapped by scene kids who taught her the scene way – " Gasp. "After recovering Hinata through the power of true friendship, we returned to our trip to Wal Mart. Then a beaver found us. Then we ran into the forest. And here we are. Again."

"Oh yeah, I meant to ask you something," Kiba exclaimed.

"Go ahead," Shino said, pushing up his sun glasses.

"So… if termites come out of… _there_, how did you happen?"

At this, Shino shook his head and passed out on the spot.

"You killed him!" Hinata yelled, weakly. Kiba sat down next to Shino's body and looked around. The forest was quickly becoming one of his least favorite places.

"You know what, Hinata?"

"What?"

"You're an Anal Cheese Drip."

"I'm…an…Anal Cheese Drip?"

"Yes."

They both sat in awkward silence. Very awkward silence. More awkward than the silence that followed Shino's masturbation.

"This is more awkward than Shino beating the bush."

"Well, there wasn't really a bush there," mumbled Hinata, "He was rather well shaved. You should shave. You'd be hot enough to be a porn star."

This was twice as awkward as the silence before.

"This is twice as awkward as the silence before," remarked Hinata.

Kiba looked away, and apparently he looked in just the right direction, because his smile was so happy, it could have stopped world hunger and cured the problems in the Village of the Mist, and brought Sasuke back all the while.

"What?" asked Hinata.

"There…I see a sign. It says "Mart" on the bottom…THAT MUST BE WALMART."

Hinata, too, brightened up in an ever-so-ridiculously-happy-makes-babies-cry sort of way.

Picking Shino up, Kiba carried him to the "Mart" sign.

"Shino!" he yelled, "WE'RE HERE!"

Shino opened his eyes and moaned in an incredibly sexual way. From where Hinata stood, it looked sort of like a lemon-fic, with Kiba holding Shino in his arms and Shino with his lips parted perfectly.

"We're…at Wal Mart?"

"Yes."

Shino stood up and blindly walked towards the door. He appeared to be weak, so Hinata and Kiba helped him up and walked him inside.  
However…it wasn't until they reached the inside that they realized…

.

"THIS IS FUCKING K-MART, YOU BASTARD!"


End file.
